i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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