if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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