I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
