guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
