I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
