Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the condom got lost in my hair
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
