I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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