Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
