Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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