I should be sponsored by Trojan
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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