I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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