the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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