I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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