I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
