i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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