If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize