I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
