if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
