I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I need moral support for this bender
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize