K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
