so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
