i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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