I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
