Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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