i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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