Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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