He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
