In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
