i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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