It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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