Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize