Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
