Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
