Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
