We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
