I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
