hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
