idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
they call him Oral-B. enough said
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
