also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
