She is in my trunk
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
