she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
be right there i have to get my cape
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
