My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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