it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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