I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
