The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
