I cannot find my penis.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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