Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
