Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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