im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
