Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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