I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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