from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
