His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
