thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize