I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
