I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
