Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
