I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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