im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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