I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
