I think I am morally bankrupt
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
