i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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