So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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