the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
