drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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