i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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