I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize